Humility, writing, fear & surrender

I’ve never been more skeptical of God’s calling in my entire life. Work in the villages with kids that are a part of my heart in unexplainable ways? No problem. Reach out to victims living in bondage? Bittersweet in magnanimous ways, but still… Reaching the unreachable is worth it. My belief in an all powerful God, along with my youth, inexperience (maybe those two words are a wee bit repetitive?) and quirky take on life just made those “callings” make sense. They still do, actually. But for reasons I’m still attempting not to argue about, God’s either closing those chapters or broadening the subject matter. I’ve not a clue- but I’m thinkin’ that may be the point.

Writing, however? Yeah, I love to write, but for a living? For as much as I hate crowds, unknowns and change, my heart is for in-depth relationship. A keyboard, monitor and deadlines aren’t really what I had in mind. As a matter of fact, it’s not what I wanted at all. Then again, writing has always been “me”– I just didn’t think I’d ever tell people that God has called me to write. After 13 years of all encompassing ministry in Alaskan Villages and homeless communities, this just feels… Awkward. (Side note- any of you that have the right to speak into my life 30 years from now… Feel free to quote me. It’ll be the kick in the butt that I need.)

As I sit in my parents’ overstuffed chair in Kenai Alaska pondering what God has done and the possibilities of what He can do in the next three to five years, I’m at a loss for words. My “real” writing experience started early 2011 when God shocked me with the ability to write for a well-known author’s blog. It was a one time, “oh my word!” thing – or so I thought. In corresponding with the Theologian’s office, I was very much the giddy school girl getting ice-cream. I was actually (temporarily) on first-name, speaking terms with a Spiritual giant in my life. Are you kidding me? How much cooler could my life have gotten at that point?!

I was actually quite scared of the man, truth be told. He was and is, humble, used by God, and inspired to move the Body of Christ in shocking ways. But he’s famous in certain circles. His fame terrified me. I think, if I remember correctly, one of our correspondences actually quotes me as saying something to the effect of, “Never mind, I can’t ask that question of you. Thanks for this opportunity, it’s been great.”

His response? “I’m just a man.” Yeah. I know. But.., sweet one, you’re… YOU. Like seriously, pull yourself together, Dude. You… Don’t talk… To peons…like me. You’re just a man? Are you sure?? (That question literally went through my mind. I’m not sure what this poor soul would’ve done to pacify my curiosity if he knew. Send me a DNA sample, perhaps?)

Even back then, the still small whisper of my God was warning me that writing would be my life in one way or the other. Graciously, God broke the news in stages. My experience with this theologian was just step one. When reality set in, it took God 2 years to speak through my insanely freaked out mentality to get to the core of my issues SO He could use me in the writing world.

I honestly didn’t trust God to be bigger than my pride. When the word, “published” started becoming more of an option; I cried. Not out of joy.. But out of fear. I had seen what writing for a living can do to destroy a person’s humility… And slowly kill their relationship with God. I didn’t want that. I want(ed) to stay innocuously behind the scenes, thank you very much. I didn’t want to fight for humility. As a matter of fact, I didn’t want to fight for my faith at all. Yet, all of that would be required if God put me on the front lines and asked me to trust Him as I pursue a life of writing. This is a faith journey. God wants to take the most prideful, female midget known to man and teach her how to let God shine through her weaknesses.

Write for a living? That’s not my calling. Writing is my talent, and prayerfully will become more of a skill. Staying on my knees in service to my God… THAT is what I’m called to. I can handle that.

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