I have been incredibly blessed. Talk to anyone that knows my story in full and they’ll give you at least a million reasons why I would say that. However, to some of their surprise, they will have no idea what I’m thinking at this moment. (It’s not, by the way, hard to read my mind. Air is transparent; translucent at best.)
No, I decided at 4:23a today, that I’m incredibly blessed because for twelve years of chronic epilepsy, I lived in an environment that only had a lightening storm once in fifteen years. I never praised God for the ability to work through epilepsy without lightening before. Up until this morning, I had no reason to think about it.
Every epileptic I know is scared of random light. Seizures haven’t been an hourly occurrence for almost five years. You put me in a room filled with flashing cameras, head lamps or disco balls and – to this day – I want to scream. It’s not funny, but it can be slightly comical seeing me anywhere near any of those things.
I woke up this morning to a racing heart, unfocused vision, tense muscles, and random bursts of light. Seizing in my sleep is something rather new to me, but hallelujah, I wake up just about every time. This morning,I was not thrilled to have to fight through the epileptic fog and somehow acknowledge the light wasn’t going to kill me. You add to that the issue of thunder that makes a 4-story brick building quake and believe me, the self-talk gets weird.
After the seizure was over, I went right back to sleep- after I stayed awake long enough to make sure the flashes of lightening were indeed just that.. And not a warning that I was temporarily losing my vision completely. I wasn’t really interested in finding a trace of God’s mercy at that point. I just wanted sleep.
Later this morning, after sleepily reminding God that His insane plan of transplanting this Alaskan Woman in the midwest had a few crazily fearful annoyances for this Child of His, I honestly think I heard Him sigh.
“Child, you’ve somehow stopped seeing Me in everything. Not everything I give you will make you happy and wealthy. Not everything I allow will have a great life altering point. Sometimes, the only reason I allow things is to give you something to point to when you doubt My grace. Stop analyzing everything to the point where you can’t hear me. Just hang on to Me.”
For better or worse, Lord… I needed that wake up call.