I don’t trust well. Seriously. Most of my childhood friends walked away from their yearly school psychologist visit with a note that said, “cute kid.” I’m fairly certain by the time I was in 4th grade, my note said, “This child over analyzes things that are none of her concern. What the heck happened?”
I was that child that woke up at 11:00 at night and heard her parents use phrases like, “too much” & “how’re we gonna make this work?”… And I promptly decided it was my fault and my problem. Not kidding. You might not think that automatically evolves into trust issues but the reality is… I didn’t trust anyone else to handle problems well without my input. The fact that I was 10 years old was of no concern.
I’ve not a clue where it truly came from. I was loved as a kid… But oh my heavens was I a handful. I’m sure my parents walked away from random heart-to-heart conversations with 10year old me going, “Wait… Did I really just have to explain that to my kid?”
That being said, I’m also fairly certain I assumed I’d stop creating ulcers when I reached 18 because that meant I was an adult. So therefore, I concluded, it made sense that at 18, life in general would just… make sense. I’m 24… It hasn’t happened yet. I still don’t trust well. I still make everything my problem. And I’m still told I’m highly random and my trust issues aren’t logical.
I’ve started using the phrase, “I trust the Christ I see in you” a lot. This is supposed to be a reverse-psychology thing on myself. It’s supposed to remind me that I might not be able to trust people, but I can trust God. That’s true and all, but if y’all didn’t know this- trying to “shrink yourself” is not a recommended activity. I end up taking way too much time micro-analyzing whether I think I actually “see” Christ in a person… And forget to actually just trust Christ.. Period.
I wonder what my heart would look like if I did the most obvious thing and stopped putting a third party in that phrase. Instead of “trusting the Christ I see in (someone)” what would happen if I just simply stopped at “trusting Christ”? What if I actually started believing that God was big enough to handle my heartache without my input? What if I actually started believing that God was powerful enough to break down and reveal a person’s motives without my PhD in Psychology that I earned from the Bedside University of Sarcasm?
What if… I stopped believing my spiritual gift of discernment was something for my own gain? What if I just stopped trying to control even the smallest things and quite simply shut up and stood before my Savior; knowing full well His presence is all I need in order to learn how to trust?
What if I stopped blaming my feminine ability to drive God nuts with my input and my pointed question… And realized that at times, the only thing to blame is my unwillingness to remember God is not confined to humanity, so therefore despite it all… I can trust Him.
Yep… I’d make a fantastic shrink, I think.