Lord, you have my heart, and I will search for yours…
It’s been a week since I made one of the most frustrating and hard life decisions of my life. Before you decide this is me being dramatic yet again, (because we all know I have that capability) let me explain. No matter what “it” was, God told me to go one way and I wanted so badly to go the opposite way. All the sudden, that decision was all I could think about & truly all I agonized over.
After the decision was made, I was free. I was free from knowing I wasn’t honoring The Lord. I was not free from the captivity of over- analyzing everything and worrying about the people my decision effected. I was not free from reminding God that His will was, in fact, not in par with my own. Somehow, I felt as if that was God’s fault, not mine.
I was not free from missing everyone that I had walked away from. But I have an inexplainable confidence that despite the searing pain, God knows what He’s doing.
This morning, as my new reality hit me with clarity, I saw my heart differently. I’m not sure I liked it.
… Last time God moved mountains like this in my life, I went down a 6-month journey of holding God’s Will over His holy head. Somehow, I had felt as if my scalding anger towards the need for sacrifice would scare God into giving my sacrifice back to me. Seriously, sweetheart, it doesn’t work that way. Ever. When God calls you to obedience, obedience doesn’t come free. You can either cling to bitterness or remember your life is not your own. It’s up to you.
Through this current journey, my heart is pained, my eyes haven’t been dry much, and Lord knows- I’ve done my portion of second guessing. However, God has more presence in this “move” than the last one. But still, somewhere in the course of a year, God had become an option, and my life became wrapped up in something not God. You don’t change your heart from one thing to the next that dramatically overnight.
As I walked through town this morning, “Lord you have my heart, and I will search for yours kept playing over and over again in my mind. God’s quiet yet firm voice simply pointed out a very harsh truth. That sentiment is beautiful, but it’s not true.
God does hold my heart, but somewhere along the way, I stopped searching for His. I teared up as I saw the price that statement took from my Abba’s heart. Though I had inadvertently made Him an option along the way… I had never been an option for Him.
Slowly, I opened my mouth and reworded the chorus to speak volumes since my heart hurt too much:
Lord you hold my heart, teach me to search for yours.
I’m in love with my Lord, and I need my Abba. Heaven knows my journey towards being like Christ is not over, but searching for Him will always equal sacrifice.