Remembering the Blessing of Death

Tomorrow’s just another day to most. But it’s not nothing to me.

Tomorrow is the 8 year anniversary of my hemispherectomy (if you can pronounce that correctly the first time- you get a gold star), the third and final brain surgery to correct a rather obnoxiously large disorder.

Medication had made me a zombie. Seizures had kept me from pursuing life. Prior surgeries had only put a temporary band-aid on a seemingly incurable (in my eyes) disability. May 2, 2006, when I was 16, was supposed to change that.

I was only in the hospital a little over a week. The prior surgeries had kept me in the hospital for numerous weeks, so 8 days seemed like a blink of an eye. I left the hospital with only half of a functional brain.

Though the surgery was rendered a success (I was alive… That was good), I don’t remember the joy. I remember the anger. I remember the confusion I tried to mask as I woke up to hugs from my Dad.. And the question of “Why?” when I hugged my Mom.

I thought God and I had made a deal. When the seizures returned after the first surgeries, I thought God and I had agreed I’d put my best foot forward till the hemispherectomy was scheduled, then He’d take me home. 5 years of seizures, doctors and medication had kept me alive but I wasn’t living. I wanted Heaven. Opening my eyes on this side of Heaven wasn’t a blessing… It was a harsh denial for what my naive heart had believed was the desire of my heart.

For quite a while, I was at war with God. He was still pursuing a relationship with me in breathtaking ways. I’d constantly hear Him whisper, “I love you Baby Girl.”
I’d whisper back, “Then why didn’t you let me come Home?”

May 2, 2006 and the months following that surgery were probably the harshest moments of my faith in Christ. I had to stop deciding the only function of my life was to make me happy. I had to stop looking for the easy reasons to keep breathing.

I had to learn how to die to self… Because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. I had to learn what it meant to live as a blessing to others although I knew life was supposed to be so much more. I had to accept the fact that God wasn’t done with me this side of Heaven, and there was a reason for that.

May 2, 2006 is a Good thing to celebrate. But man, I miss Heaven.

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