Full Heart, Broken Hallelujah

I’m filled with joy unimaginable as I write this. God has been good to me. He is being good to me. I’m surrounded by a level of transparent friendship that I’ve always had, but it took a year away to realize how precious it is. I walk on the Alaskan beach with the mountain range alight with color and I can’t believe this is “normal” for me. This summer has been awesome. But….

My mind often flits to the broken hallelujahs this past year has woven into my life. The things this summer was supposed to involve aren’t far from my heart. I couldn’t be more thankful that this seemingly final chapter of my Alaskan life was written just the way it has been. But there’s the frustration of being an over-analyzer.

But…. But what if, Lord? What if I was wrong in coming back home? What if I was wrong in changing my summer plans? What if the true desire of my heart is only flirted with but never comes true? What if things that either seem to take too long to come Into my life or never will is because of something I’ve done?

What if?

I heard my heart pondering those questions and tears sprang to my eyes but a smile came to my lips. When was the last time I was this honest with my Master, Savior and Lord? When was the last time I looked at a blessing and allowed myself to sincerely be blessed by it, but gave my intimacy with Jehovah enough credence to ask Him to explain it to me when it didn’t quite seem to fit where my life was going?

When was the last time I let Jesus hold my heart, rather than allowing him to simply hold a drawn impression of what I want my heart to look like?

How unstable is my view of my Jehovah-Abba’s love that I don’t want to give our relationship the time to ask questions because I’m afraid of the answers?

When did I grow up and stop depending on the promise that his love is unconditional— even when I can’t see him the easiest and most comfortable way? If my heart hurts, why do I think I have to put that pain into words before he knows how to heal me?

When did the Westernized version of Jesus start infiltrating my ability to hear God when the storms rage?

Oh hallelujah, HE has not changed…

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