Right or wrong, imagined or reality, my entire life I’ve assumed God won’t come through for me in the little things.
I mean come on. Think about it:
“Your daughter has Cerebral Palsy.” Most people have no idea.
“We have no foolproof guarantee you’ll survive these brain surgeries.” I’m fairly certain I’m alive right now.
“We have no idea how much cognitive ability you’ll have post-recovery.” Very few people know I struggle mentally on a daily basis.
“You’ll never get through education.” 75% of my life right now is my SECOND year of college.
Why would God do something simple like… saving and reconciling a relationship or coming through financially for a college career I’m still struggling to believe I’ll live long enough to use?
He’s done more miraculous stuff in my one life than I should ever be allowed to claim. Why? Why should I look at the simplistic fear in my heart and assume He can do yet another miracle?
Yesterday, I was given information that made my blood run cold with fear. Financially, as of 9 o’clock, I wasn’t being given permission to add more classes to my agenda. I know my bank account. There was nothing I could give towards my education. Nothing.
Instead of praying in faith, I literally grumbled, “Okay God, I won’t add more classes, but seriously? I don’t even have money to go back to Alaska. Where else can I go? This is crazy. Did you call me to this or not?”
I laughed that morning. Not because I was thrilled to have my career as a student threatened, but because I didn’t dare let people see me cry. Once again, I felt my heart doing the math. God had come through so far… apparently, I’d used up my gracious gift meter? … I hate being an adult.
Around noon I got an email from a faculty member of the college that was expected to be just another automated “You owe $________, you have_____ days to pay. You cannot go any further” email. I debated deleting it simply to delay the inevitable (this is where my childishness is still very real). I’m blessed because I opened the email anyway.
This precious person had heard my story and decided to go above and beyond to make sure I was provided for. They said it was because they had always admired my deep faith in God and so they decided to do the leg work for me because they, “thought (I) needed the blessing.”
I laughed harder after I read the email, but I actually cried then, too. This person saw faith in me that was otherwise completely nonexistent. The Holy irony of their words was not lost on me. I heard my God whisper to my heart,
“I may still be using your years of hardship to bring Me glory, but I’m not done with you yet. Your disabilities aren’t your story. They’re Mine. Trust Me.