Is Jesus Enough?

All I want to do is sleep till my world is normal again. I can’t sleep though, my brain is going a million miles an hour.

I’m stuck between overwhelmingly laughing at God’s grace and brokenly screaming at the depth of my depravity.

I had another hard episode today that started messing with my sight. I tell people these awkward episodes are starting to make me blind because there’s no other way to explain it. Technically, I can still see out of what limited peripheral I have. But though my eyes can see, my brain can’t process what I’m seeing, so I feel as if I’m looking at nothing. During these episodes, I rely almost entirely on memory and sounds.

It’s the worst feeling in the world to not know what you’re looking at. It’s even worse when you force yourself to keep a conversation going simply to make your brain track something, but you have no idea if what you’re saying is making sense. Whether it was all an epileptic seizure or several things erupting in one body, it lasted for over two hours.

Nausea is a good thing in the world of epilepsy. I knew I was coming out of the seizure when sipping water and rubbing my aching head wasn’t enough anymore. But I just kept chanting a motto to mysef:

You only have half a brain, you can’t have a grand maul.
You only have half a brain, you can’t have a grand maul.

When the episode ended, I quietly heard God sigh and whisper, You used to scream my name through the episodes that took away your control. ‘Jesus’ used to be the first word off your lips. What happened? Why was I merely an implied presence rather than actually called upon?

I trembled as I took Advil to end the pain. I knew God was right. I knew somehow I was more afraid of what God would take away rather than confident of how He could hold me through a storm and comfort my loved ones that had to watch me get worse.

I was more interested in threatening God with scientific “proof” than I was in reminding my heart that even blindness or death would be magnificent if it meant God’s testimony was magnified.

I was more interested in being comforted back into easiness than I was in being stretched into His likeness.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus used to be the name my storm screamed. Somehow, I lost that reminder temporarily. Somehow, the science became stronger than the God that created and oversees that science. Somehow scientific logic became more important than holding His hand through my unknowns and smiling because He is always known.

Jesus. The Lord of my Epilepsy, the Yahweh of my transformation and the Father of Truth. Jesus.

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One thought on “Is Jesus Enough?

  1. Powerful. Thanks for the reminder.

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