Disfigured Love

I stood in the Throne Room of my Savior trembling in fear.

Did He.. know my fear?

Would He… mend my brokenness or just testily acknowledge my imperfections?

For the life of me, I couldn’t decide what to believe. His grace seemed unreachable and it didn’t seem logical to assume His mercy could fill in the gaps of my broken heart. I had nothing of value to give Him. Why would He serve me?

“Baby Girl, why are you afraid of Me?”

He almost always brings me into His Throne Room with a question. Ranging anywhere from “Do you know how much I love you” to “Do you want to involve me in your life or is this still off limits?” His questions always spurred on thoughtful silence.

But I’m afraid of silence. In silence the heart speaks. I don’t like it when my heart speaks. Therefore… words must happen. I can hide behind conceptualized Christianity, right? Jehovah Yahweh won’t see past my big words and spiritually-sounding, sermon-making, awe-inspiring empty words… Will He?

“Jesus, I’m not afraid of you. You are Elohim…”

“Child, I know who I am. You have no idea who I am. Those words, those names, they only bring a smile to my face when you allow them to mean something. I’m not impressed that you know 100 of my countless Names. I didn’t ask for you to introduce Me. I’m asking you why you are afraid of Me. Why? Talk to Me, Little One. You’re still hiding a portion of your heart from Me as if I’m the one that will destroy it, not mend it. Why are you afraid of Me?”

Brokenness overwhelmed my heart as I shouted the only answer I had left when all superficiality was torn away:

Can you tell me why I shouldn’t be?! How can I not be afraid of you? Have you seen the remains of my heart?

Instead of judgment, my outburst was merely met with with compassionate eyes and a patient smile.

“Your heart is broken, but it’s not shattered. You’ve tasted of what it is like to be deserted; have you ever felt as if I joined the loved ones that deserted you?

“Baby Girl, never let your heart define My love for you by what you’ve seen in your fellow man. You have learned well the imperfections of mankind’s concept of love. But remember one thing:

Your heart has never experienced a reason not to trust Me. You’ve just allowed the world to disfigure My love for you.”

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