The Secret Death of Joy

“Fear of not understanding everything about Me cripples his heart. He’s more disabled than you are with your own limitations, Cass.”

There’s a gentleman I used to rub shoulders with who was constantly being scrutinized for the way he presented Truth. Most days, the Biblical stance that spewed from his mouth was most assuredly sound. He knew his “stuff”. But still, there was just something that made people more angry than accepting of what should have been his greatest impact on those around him.

What most people didn’t see (and what I’m still trying to understand) is this man believed in God and spent every waking moment striving to understand God. It was beautifully precious to watch. But he strove so hard to know everthing of the heart of God that he forgot to enjoy God. It crippled him.

Those of us that knew him well respected him and treasured him. But we knew what many people didn’t seem to understand. He was scared. Scared of what, no one knew. But that fear made him bitter. It crippled him.

Those years spent begging my loved ones to enjoy a man who let knowledge define him taught me something I’ll never forget.

It is incredibly possible to be crippled with bitterness- that bitterness can often times be seen as intimidating… and your life changes.

I learned through that experience that my greatest disability wasn’t epilepsy, tzeitze syndrome, or even Cerebral Palsy. Those three things that people see as limitations actually benefit me. It’s easier for me to relate to the broken, love the unlovable, and it gives me an audacious yearning to feel the heartbeat of God. They aren’t what define me, but they have made me slow down so I can see God.

What crippled me most was my bitterness towards the unknown. That one thing broke me of the ability to love well — I struggled the most with putting aside my bitterness to love anyone with any diversity. As a disabled person, that meant everyone; even other disabled people.

When that same gentleman came to mind this past week, God took the time to remind me that at times, bitterness is seen as a private issue when in fact, it cripples you more than any doctor’s note can.

Choose joy before you choose understanding and knowledge… watch God free you.


One thought on “The Secret Death of Joy

  1. Yes!! Thank you Darlin’ that is perfect!

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