Sometimes, screaming feels as if it’s the only way to handle harsh emotions. I don’t scream often, cuz let’s face facts: When you have hardware running through your vocal chords like I do, screaming hurts. A lot. But when I scream, I scream for all its worth. (Side note: I’ve only used this form of handling stress twice in my entire life)
Recently, I was handed information about a “family” member that confused my normal, struck fear in my heart and made me angry. As I mentally played all the possible (and impossible) scenarios this information could bring, I felt my heart racing and my mind quite literally stopped working.
My boyfriend soon discovered that I am capable of making him temporarily deaf. Anyone within close proximity to our car probably wondered if I was dying. The reality is, it was so much more than that.
I was fighting a chance to lean into the sovereignty, protection and wisdom of God- not just talk about them. As tears sprang to my eyes, I heard God whisper, Trust Me, Child. None of this caught Me off guard. Shamefully, my one and only response was an emphatic NO!
So, I screamed.
As a woman who has been in church since the Sunday after she was conceived, I know the jargon to use in high stress situations. God is sovereign. God is good (and all the time, God is good). God is in control. God knows the future… I’m able to sound convincing. I would never say I don’t believe those things.
But applying them to everyday situations is something else entirely. Often, I can be found stating those truths about God’s character after I’ve tried acting as if those truths don’t impact my life. What if I lived as if God’s love, sovereignty, protection and wisdom defined my life, rather than, in turn, living as if my life defined those things?
I lost a chance the other day to be a testament of God’s power in my life. Instead, I used the chance to show my gross lack of true trust in the God I tell people I serve. God’s forgiveness is deep and my loved one’s mercy is impressive, but still…
What if, as a believer in the one and only all-powerful God, I put God’s promises to the test first and then reacted second?